I think I’ve already shared this - but it’s amazing. So. Enjoy it again.
I don’t know what panic attack really is like, but I’ve been having these weird sobby moments over the last week. It’s new. Not crying, just that gasping for breath feeling. It seems that every little things triggers it. It never lasts long, but it come with little warning and is something I’ve never experienced before. Weird stuff.
Honestly I just want to break. I haven’t really cried in I don’t know how long. Easily over seven years. Yet every time something upsets me I feel this need to just break down, and sometimes I cry, but I don’t break. I never feel it beyond the tears on my cheeks. There is never a deep rooted feeling in my chest. I feel as though I have grown hard to the world, and I just want to break. I think it would be very nice to take a night to just allow myself to be shattered.
A lot has been on my mind recently, but I’ll try and keep it to one thing.
I feel like my life is totally stagnant. It doesn’t seem to be going anywhere at all. I’m 21 and work at a movie theatre. I have one year of college and no real plans to go back. No plans to teach myself some trade or skill that might become a career, nothing. I’m just sitting here while all my friends (coworkers) are going into their senior year. The last week has been hell because some left for the semester. How am I going to handle next year when they move away for good? Part of me want to just get in a car and drive and start over with some shitty minimum wage job in the middle of nowhere and just disappear. Even if it’s just for a year. But then I realize that if I’m unhappy, which I am, very, running away won’t necessarily fix that. But I have no idea what to do. I feel incredibly broken and I have absolutely no idea how to start fixing myself.
People always ask me if I’m in college, and I always give the same half joking half serious response. I never bothered me that much. Or I didn’t think it did. Maybe it’s just been getting under my skin and building up until now, all of a sudden, all the frustration is coming out at once.
I remember when I was in eighth grade I just wanted to be happy. Or if I wanted to be rich it was, honestly, so I could do good with it. Now I’m older and I just wan to buy shit to make myself feel a little less horrible about everything. For a few days at least, until the novelty wears off. I don’t really care about other people as much as I used to because I’m struggling to keep myself alive. When I get like this I can’t stop myself from thinking suicide all the time. Every little thing that stresses me out, and even some that don’t, make my mind go to the same place. Grand beautiful suicides. Sad lonely suicides of desperation. Suicides of boredom. No matter what kind they are, my mind thinks of them too easily. But I don’t know how to stop it. I just want to talk with someone (one person in particular), but I don’t want to be a burden. I don’t want to weigh someone else down with my nonsensical shit. Them I feel bad for being such a terrible friend who never stays in touch. Them some nice, intimate sort of suicide flits through my mind. Them my mind is off again, around the track one more time. Always returning to the same place, briefly, before continuing.
Honestly I so want to post this kind of thing on facebook, not so much as a cry for help, although honestly I probably should to that, but because I feel so dishonest, like no one really knows about this other side of me. But No one want to hear that shit. What can they do? Feel bad for me? Post an encouraging comment? I don’t think that’s what I need.
- J.D. Salinger, Seymour - An Introduction (via psych-facts)
- A.A. Milne, Winnie-the-Pooh (via kushandwizdom)
I need a leash for my mind.